The Bitch is Back…

Merry Christmas everyone!

I’m back to the blog, after months and months, and months, and I’m thinking about deleting my old posts I’m not ready to be reminded of that stuff or time at the moment but I don’t know if I should get rid completely they might be useful some day or even make me laugh at some of the stuff which I hope will seem the most pathetic.

I hope this come back is going to be successful but who knows, I’d like to think it will be more like the second Bridget Jones than the thought of another Chipmunk movie but I guess time will tell.

Part of the reason I gave up blogging was lack of access to a computer, and I guess another part was the way I was using my blog to focus myself to really negative things and upset myself more than I thought it ever could, I guess I learnt I’m a more sensitive soul than I ever thought and stubborn as fuck since I kept it all to myself or on here.

Now however I’m back with a shiny new pink notebook I like to think of as the Barbie mobile which was a Christmas surprise, definitely not the colour I might have chosen but lovely never the less – hard not to smile a little every time I pick it up.

No great fairytale has occurred since I last blogged, more to the pity, however I think maybe I should share more on that with a ridiculously trendy and new age ’round up of my year’ type post over the next couple of days. For now I was just messing about and decided this was the place I wanted to come to, pretty handed I’ve been gifted this I suppose since I specifically requested not to be given a diary this year from the fat man.

 

Thanks for reading – hope you’re all feeling as fat and happy as me today. xx

 

 

 

 

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Tickle my fancy…

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I thought I would write a post about wanking since there is little sex in the traditional sense, or weightloss in my life at the moment, there is however a lot of masturbation to use the Sunday name for it. I’ve always called it wanking from being a teenager, which I guess is pretty crude, and rather masculine – when I decided to start typing about it this was the only accompanying image I could think of…

'Tom

‘Tommy Tank’

Once I tweeted a congratulatory tweet after a particularly epic wank one Saturday morning, I felt really chuffed with myself and think it’s amazing we have that ability at our *coughs* fingertips if you’ll pardon the pun. For some of my followers it went down like a lead balloon so I know this is a controversial topic. I do feel very naughty when I play with myself, even now in my own house it does feel like a treat for me, and I think that adds to the excitement, and I hope it never wears off.

I couldn’t write this post without looking up the synonyms for masturbation either, some of them are so fantastic, although many of them are masculine so I’d like to think I am doing some kind of service to womankind for promoting the poke with my Saturday night. My favourite of all which I have never heard of was “buffing the muffin” although “she bopping” on an American website was a solid runner up too.

I think masturbation is probably one of the most natural things in human existence, the fact some people can’t talk about it with their friends makes me feel sad. You don’t have to be making up for something lacking in your sex life to do it either and it shouldn’t be a substitute thought of as sex for single people. Since I left the relative congestion of my parents house in spite of gaining weight I have a lot more respect for my body and I love taking the chance to be naked when I’m on my own, door locked at all times!

Not much of a post but still a post none the less, I used the reward of some alone time to power me through my day today instead of a Double decker, I managed to get three loads of washing a workout and all the housework done, never mind mutual masturbation, mine is motivational!

Have nice weekends! xoxo

My comfort blanket

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I only come on here at times when I am trying to avoid something else like the plague it seems these days. Today that is sorting out some healthy food, doing some revision, and ending a relationship that is turning caustic.

When I felt stressed at Christmas time last year and I went to talk to a lovely lady through work she asked about my home life and I said it was fine, good in fact. The same thing happens when I talk to my friends because I don’t want them to think I am a failure, or perhaps not the strong independent person I like to paint myself as.

So I come on here or on twitter to rant about my boyfriend, and berate him behind his back which is both cowardly and mean. Several times on twitter people have told me I should not be with Mr T, in fact I think the fact I still am has lost me followers, blog readers and probably a lot a respect.

When me & Mr T moved in together I think I felt like it was happy families, we had silly discussions about stuff way into the future like getting married, and when things got tough at work he was always there for me to moan at, which in hindsight probably didn’t do the relationship much good. Living with a boy has been scary, he is way messier and lazy than I ever imagined, to the point where i blame my own OCD behaviour for being angry, but I do think if most people came and looked in the office right now it would be a shit heap by their standards.

He has gone off to see his mum and dad this afternoon and I couldn’t face it. Lying to them, making small talk when all I want to do is cry. Very melodramatically I’m having one of those days where I think I could just go missing, I wish I had the money to hide in a B&B and call in sick from work for a few days, or months. I definitely don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m trapped in a fat body, screaming to be dated like a lady and fucked like a twenty something, but the fear of not having my messy comfort blanket waiting for me when I get home is crippling.

We are both fucked up, and utterly shit at talking like adults without crying (me) or leaving (Him) I have previously chased him down the road at 2am after telling him to fuck off, and he did.

I have been on my own before, I can’t understand why I am so scared to do it again, this stress and depression has left me so vulnerable I feel like a chubby little 14 year old with no friends again which I know isn’t true. He has broken my trust, and the sex and the dating has been stale for months, if neither of us are happy why are we still here?

It’s small beans really and I know that, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job and too many complex carbohydrates in my cupboard. Whatever happens now will pail into insignificance in the long term, I shouldn’t let this consume me like it is, but love will do that to you, or lust for the past perhaps.

Bastard feelings, why can’t we all just be Fembots?

Bank Holidays…

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A time for catching up with life, now Christmas has come and gone, I can’t believe how long it has been since I last blogged. The addition of a decent computer in the Corningstone household is hopefully going to remedy that going forward but I shan’t make any more promises I could break or allude myself into thinking I will become a superstar blogger, however it is one less excuse not to blog I guess.

I am officially still a fatty, slightly less fat that after Christmas however the Easter Eggs I have to devour will soon see to it I am almost there. Me and Mr T went away in February and fell off the healthy band wagon, I chucked myself into revising all of March and managed to bribe myself into the books with chocolate which undid all the efforts of the first 6 weeks, I intend to get back on the wagon, but I still don’t feel like I miss my weight watchers meetings which is good I guess, I can do this on my own when I put my mind to it.

Work has been really shitty over the past few months, and I guess that’s one of the main reasons I have steered clear of the blogging and piled on the lbs a little. I started seeing a stress councillor in December and I have definitely learnt if you focus on the negative, that’s bound to make it worse. Ultimately the negative stuff is only my opinion so I have avoided writing about it, there’s no need to wind myself up further is there? The way I worsen and dwell on situations in my head was definitely harmful to my life and relationships, it has taken a while to see it but at the moment I have no new appointments planned with the lovely Vicki, so that’s a good sign.

I’ve stopped tweeting quite so much too, trying to put my learning first which is very boring but my feed was looking kinda woe is me for a while, apologies for the yawns y’all, I will never work myself into a better job if i don’t put the exams first i suppose, as corny as it is, I do control my future.

Last time I blogged me & Mr T were in an epic sex drought, about 11 weeks in the end I think. We spoke about it a little bit. I know my being stressed and depressed was a turn off for him, which makes me a little sad, as it’s  exactly the kind of release I was looking for after a long day in my crappy office! The way he can make me feel in bed is the comfort and love that I think could have sped things up for me, and put a silver lining on some aspects of my life, but I have come to realise that you get back what you put out, positivity breeds positivity, and although we are not at it like Easter bunnies, things have improved in the boudoir.

Getting over the awkwardness of almost three months without sex was the worst part I think, it was very brief, and for me emotional because it symbolised there was still a spark there, which I was concerned had left for him. I’ve started masturbating more though since the drought ended, realising I should have that release and those endorphins on my own, as well as with T, although we are living together now, we have to make time to do our own things and be responsible for our own happiness, wether that means knitting or wanking!

That pretty much sums up 2015 so far for me, and I feel really good for writing it at last *pats self on back* if you have lasted to the end of my little self motivating speech get yourself a nice drink now, we have certainly earned it I think, it does feel smarmy to write this sort of stuff but I hope it might be helpful to people who are wondering if things might get better, they definitely can.

xxxx

Freedom

exposing40

Today is International Women’s Day.

Today I fly from the UK to East Africa, via the Middle East. I leave behind a property I own, an active and enriching social life, and lovers who challenge my mind, body and assumptions about myself. I enjoy respect and independence in my personal and professional life. I do not need to seek permission from my husband or father to travel.

I will fly via a country where women are flogged for illicit sexual relations and where this blog would likely be dubbed a cybercrime and a threat to social values under restrictive freedom of expression laws. I will work for a week in a country where some two million women had their clitoris and labia removed before the age of five and their vagina sewn up (bar a tiny opening for menstruation) until marriage, and where they can expect to be a grandmother…

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Reflection

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So I wrote the below on Tuesday prior to seeing my stress lady, and I’m just posting it now but I wrote it and I wanted to put it out there. Apart from that it’s out of date reading it back after saving it for a few days has made me realise how negative and moany I am, I don’t like it but here you go…

I feel like most of my year so far has been spent making an effort just to be a fully functioning human. I have been trying and having some success to eat, work, exercise, run the home, clean and socialize ‘the right way’while fitting in all my breathing and mindfulness exercises.

Spent so much time making lists and running around like a blue arsed fly I’ve not even had time for a wank this year as it occurred to me today, this must be fixed sharpish, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

I am attempting to hone myself into the perfect human being by making endless lists on actual paper and in my mind of work jobs, home jobs (split in to sections for cleaning, upkeep and purchases which are further subcatogorised by food and homeware) friend & family seeing jobs, fitness, food prep and I am doing my own head in. I had this miraculous idea if I wrote everything down I might be more likey to do it. Quite frankly I think losing 3.5 lbs and finally getting the bath panel on that’s been moping about the flat since August should be enough for January, I’m done!

And I’m fed up of being dry, I’m as dry as desiccated bloody coconut right now, I think I could fall asleep in a bath of amaretto and coke for the weekend and wake up on Monday morning just to wash the stickiness out of my hair.

Rant over?! When they tell you at school being a grown up isn’t fun they’re kind of right! I’m going to see my lovely stress lady on Thursday which is probably a long overdue trip if I’m honest, she shines a light on my perfectionist, fidgety nature and lifts some of the iron that seems to sit on my shoulders and make me slouch infront of my screen fretting for 10 hours a day. I feel like ‘Saint Vicky’ as I affectionatley like to think of her, has shone a light on how unhappy I perhaps am. Before December I would have said my job stresses me out and it was as simple as that but now I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t the right job for me.

My job makes me rude to people, and my team includes some people who are down right nasty and others who are just a bit stupid. As a creature that enjoys spending time by myself I am not very toleramnt on either of these types of people. If I thought there was a dream career for me out there, something I was burning to do at least I could look into some part time studying, or weigh up my options and decide there’s no money in that field and talk myself out of it but I don’t have any ambitions. I’m a perfectionist who isn’t being perfect in the right job, I still need to find my fit in life then maybe I’d stop taking the stress home and in my brain til 2 am.

xxx

Twenty Fifteen

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Happy New Year! The perfect time for bloggers to blog and proclaim fresh starts, new diets and resolutions to make us all shinier, happier, healthier people than we’ve been in 2014. I hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas and spent last night doing things that made you happy.

I’ve been thinking about some resolutions myself, the last few years I’ve managed to make them and stick to them so I know I can do things when I put my mind to it, and I think for 2015 that’s good enough for me, if I want to do it,  then I’ve decided I will. I’m not going to give anything up or plan to start anything new, I’m just going to decide to do things than make them happen as and when, it’s very laid back, hippyish and unregimented which is not like me!

Since the week before Christmas when I saw the stress lady I’m trying not to put pressure on myself, practice some breathing and mindfulness when I get the chance and hope that things will fall into place eventually. Most of the things I want to achieve at the moment are in my flat, there’s damp in the loft and my bath panel is still missing so I think I’ll focus on them first, then perhaps when it gets a little bit lighter in the evenings I might like to teach myself how to run on the pavements again after breaking my ankle last year.

I think going back to work on Monday is going to be quite scary, after seeing the therapist a couple of weeks ago it’s been easy to try and chill myself out, focus on pampering a little bit and make all these decisions to get myself happier. Once I’m back in my old routine I really don’t want my best laid plans to go out of the window.

Since I’ve addressed my sleep and breathing I was advised to start taking vitamins because my immune system would take a knock and it most definitely has. I’ve been sick more times than I’d like to think, I’m sporting a humongous cold sore and nursing a cold with a tickly throat today, sat in my pjs writing this, in spite of which it’s still the most positive I’ve felt in a long time. I don’t see the councilor again until almost the end of the month but I’m hopeful I’ll have plenty of good things to tell her when I do.

I realize I’ve written a pretty indulgent post, but I am still indulging, I’ve enough chocolate to last me til Easter which is great, and if anyone is reading this feeling a little lost or stressed I’d like you to take a little bit of hope from it if possible, I’m not saying I have the answers but I’m really hopeful over the next few months I will do and my posts will be full of more health and happiness!

(T)ime out

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Such a long while since I’ve blogged, so full of promise for some new weightwatcher recipes and accountability for my pre xmas bod ha!!!! I don’t think weightloss has ever been further from my mind, infact I’m sure I’ve gained weight but I have shunned the scales in favour of a new foe, stress.

It’s taken me too long to tell the right person, but now I have I’m certain I can make things better.

I’ve not been feeling my usual perky self for quite a while. For anyone who follows me on Twitter I have done a lot of non descript ranting, and some very descript ranting at the lovely Mr T for not having sex with me, as if that was the problem.

My problem has been with work – my work is quite full of fuck wits, but I’m sure everyone’s is, it’s more the way I’ve been dealing with said fuck wits, and how I’ve let it affect me. So about a week ago I told my boss how I was feeling, really feeling, not just who I was annoyed with and why, and today I got to see a lovely lady who is gonna help me, which I will tell you all more about the better I get at it.

I feel like a bit of a ninny. Although I’ve always accepted other people can have problems like this I always imagined they weren’t trying very hard to get rid of it naively, I thought people were being a bit melodramatic.

I kept thinking to myself if I had a mega early night, the rest would help me just shake it off. I blamed feeling angry on how hard I work, not taking lunches, trying to study in my evenings, look after the flat, and being sleepy, I never imagined day to day life might just get the better of me, I know many people juggle so much more than that without a second thought.

So I will keep you all up to date, and I won’t make empty threats to blog more, I’ll just try my best and let you know, as honestly as I possibly can 🙂

puppy

(T)welve months

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12 Months to the day that me and Mr T began bonking, not that it’s an anniversary at all, just an observation. I’m not sure when we made things official, but things certainly have changed a lot in the last year, summarized with a lovely, organized table…

Gains Losses
A boyfriend Faith in men
A stone (in weight, not like a sentimental pebble) The ability to run (broke my ankle)
A mortgage Mindblowing sex
Sky plus  
A laptop from work for writing the blog  
Some qualifications  

 

I realize this list probably needs further explanation but tonight I’m really not sure I have the energy!

Things that get on my Tits… (Episode 1)

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Firstly reader this is a short & sweet post, I haven’t compiled a list of all the things in life that annoy me, or all the little habits I may have noticed Mr T is practicing around the house now we seem to be house mates, that would be a read of biblical proportion, if I ever decide to write it I will give appropriate warning to gather snacks.

I’ve been off work this week and I promised myself I would blog at least once, so here’s an attempt, AND I have a little idea in the bag for Monday I’m working on too, so I’m sure you’ll all be right on the edge of your seats with baited breath for that too.

I can fast see this becoming a regular slot but tonight my topic of torment is

“Reality TV”

So called reality TV, and the thing that has got me on my high horse this week is a particular news story about one of the stars of these absolute pieces of trash, which Mr T brought to my attention last night…

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2811926/Last-chance-James-Argent-suspended-TOWIE-partying-antics-final-warning-bosses.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

The whole thing wound me right up, not on a serious Ebola scale level but it got on my tits enough to make it here at least. I cannot get my head around how you can be suspended from reality TV, surely it is impossible to be late for what is supposedly your actual life?????

And herein lies the problem. It’s not real life. These bimbos and talent-less morons are being paid to read a script and go on holidays or nights out to have rows and pretend relationships from what I can gather. I find the whole thing bizarre, yet millions of people, intelligent people, some of whom are my friends seem to be tuning in every week.

Truly the mind baffles…