(T)roubled Tuesday

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Being a grown up is so much not enjoyable for me at the moment. Since I bought this flat it’s been one challenge after another and I can feel things slipping away slightly. After I broke my ankle, the decorating went tits up , and so did my training, I think I’ve gotten lazy and I’m letting myself get a lot more stressed than usual, I miss my blog and my crappy little family home routine a bit. I feel like all my recent posts have been so bloody mopey really.

I haven’t had a week off work since last Christmas so the time off is WELL needed, and I’m hoping by then I might have some happy things to blog about. I think at the start of the year I might set myself the 100 days happy challenge because it definitley encourages people to see good things even on poopy days.

Went to Weightwatchers this week only to have gained another pound, so I’m the heaviest I’ve been in over 2 years still, every week it seems to be half or a lb on recently, and I feel the issue must be food because I’ve started swimming again since the cast came off, most days at least. I have resolved to do some weightbaring this week and try the cross trainer too. This Monday was my leaders last meeting as she is retiring and it made me dissapointed that she’s seen the weight go up the last few months – she tried to leave me with some words of wisdom, but the feeling that she felt sorry for me just seems so have irked me.

 Mr T has been pretty much living at the flat since the start of this term and if I had to comment how things are going I guess I’d say ‘fine’, which is actually a pretty pants way to describe your relationship isnt it?! I think I romanticised what living would a boy would be like if I’m honest and the way people seem when you only see them part of the time just isn’t that true a reflection is it? I’m sure it’s the same for him now the rose tinted glasses have come off but some days part of me is screaming to go back to primary school…

The car did not pass MOT and I’ve bought a new one, and then a note popped through the door from the lady downstairs wanting to go through all the deeds and pissed off about my washing line!

Give me leaf rubbing or even GCSE’s again any day at the moment, roll on Friday, apologies for the moan lovely reader (if you’re still there!)

 

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Broken Ankle Musings….

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The last two months have been like a blooming rollercoaster. At the start of August I broke my ankle. Deciding to run my first ever 10k in a ‘warrior assault course’ was probably not a wise move. My mum was away on holiday and my Dad had jut had a knee replacement. Not having them to call for help was weird, but it definitely showed me who my friends were, a work colleague I have known since primary school but drifted apart from, took me to the hospital and sat with me for 7 hours! It has taken me until today, 2 weeks after having my cast removed to take a step back and realise how self-involved I’ve been over the last 8 weeks, and order that girl some flowers!

warrior 

A week after I broke my ankle I made the rash decision to box up all my childhood room and move into the flat I had been decorating for a month, sure it wasn’t finished – and still isn’t – but having all my rooms on one level while I was on the crutches was a God send, I lived without internal doors for several weeks, and the heating still isn’t working but carpets are there and the loo flushes.

Like I said the cast is off now and I suppose this is rambling pointless post is putting my experience into perspective perhaps?! I had to cancel my trip to Paris because I couldn’t fly, which upset me at the time. I couldn’t drive and I felt like I lost my sense of freedom, I love being self-sufficient, having peace and quiet. Waiting for people to take me to work, dictating my hours, or needing to take me shopping was infuriating. Some days I got in a bad mood and cried and ate a bunch of crap just for the sake of it. I’m about 7lbs heavier as a result of it and I’ve picked up some very bad eating habits.

Now I’m on the other side of things I can see how lucky I was that it was only my ankle, not something more serious, and that at least I could work and someone could give me a lift everyday. Because my job doesn’t rely on my fitness – if I had been forced to go on sick pay I don’t know how I would have been able to pay the whopping great mortgage I’ve just taken out.

I feel pretty grateful I’ve made it to the age of 23 and only had one broken bone since I’m such a clumsy sod, and I appreciate the fact I am making a fantastic recovery. Being trapped in the flat for weekends was hard enough, I watched a heck of a lot of catfish and sitcoms, ate an awful lot of rubbish and generally felt sorry for myself.

My eyes were opened to a fraction of what people with a serious disability or debilitating disease must be like, I’m not for a second implying I went through that amount of pain or suffering but sometimes the silence was deafening. It’s really easy to see how people who are on their own or very poorly can end up with depression as a consequence of their situation.

I love to write my blog, all those weeks in the flat without Wi-Fi and a laptop were pretty torturous – just imagining one person reading this is a comforting thought! I attempted so many drafts on my kindle with big plans to take myself on the bus to a coffee shop and upload on here, but in the end I think I resigned myself to being a hermit with an extremely hairy leg, typing on a kindle is hard! I did read a lot of books though!

 As a treat for you and a warning not to enter 10K races here is my wonderfully hairy leg….

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It really looks like a blokes “/

Thanks for reading 

Xxxx

Baby (T)alk

The main highlight of my weekend was waiting for a baby to be born. I tell a lie. Waiting for this baby to be born has been one of the main highlights of my year.

Sitting in cast with a broken ankle for 6 weeks may be going to my head, but when I got the text while watching xfactor and troffing a massive slice of cake on Saturday night I actually cried I was so chuffed for my friend. She seems to have the perfect little family, and I was happy for them all. The story of this couple is so cute and fairytale, some days it fills me with enormous hope for the future, other days it makes me very jealous and mopey. Boy meets girl, girl moves across the country for boy and step-daughter, beautiful couple, beautiful home, beautiful dog, beautiful dog followed by a lovely marriage and a honeymoon baby.

On Friday night my period was 2 days late and I was genuinely panicking, I even confessed to Mr T my concerns. The Dr made me stop taking the pill while in cast in case it caused a blood clot, so along with the physical difficulties I have been having some ridiculously careful sex in the last 6 weeks. As much as I had been thinking the practicalities through I was so pleased when my period arrived at lunch on Saturday, the relief speaks volumes I think!

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This week I have been for baby cuddles twice and he is so well behaved it makes genuinely broody for the first time. A couple of my friends had their first babies just after we finished school at 19, and I could quite happily hold their little buggers and hand them back unsure if I would ever want to be a Mum.

I don’t know if it helps or not but I think this week has clarified that I definitely do, which kind of narrows down relationships for me going forward, I mean would there be a point in seeing someone who made it perfectly clear they never wanted kids.

My friend looks absolutely amazing, like a bitch there is only a teeny bit of baby belly left on the girl which is comparable to my usual belly after a takeaway. I’m finding it weird the amount of broody I feel this week, the kid even shat in my arms and I didn’t chuck him away. My Mum is a childminder so I’ve been around kids all my life, I think I can quite safely say there will be no procreation for a few years though, as adorable as the little man is he will eventually become a toddler, getting into everything and throwing tantrums toddlers still officially scare me so until I can accept the inevitable I will refrain from motherhood.

Angs(T)

Been writing this blog post in my head since Saturday. Apologies that this post comes with no bells and whistles but I’m on my phone due to lack of wifi, so I’m sure there will be typo’s aplenty! 

Dear Mr T,

What is it that is wrong with me?!

I know what I should be asking is what is wrong with you, but in the last 9 years, and that is nearly a decade no boyfriend or man friend has ever managed to be my idea of faithful! Phone sex is still sex! I bloody love it and we haven’t done it in ages…

I’m so angry with myself and with you. How have you let things get this carried away if you had no intention of being faithful. While I’ve been stressing over exams you’ve been helping to decorate my flat, introducing me to your family and letting me imagine getting a puppy some day,  you say you want to move in and we’ve even been shopping for bedding, BEDDING ffs!!!

Your a cunt. Perfect for me in almost every way, you turn me on with just a cheeky look, the way you smell makes me smile, you cook for me and in the last 9 days since I broke my ankle you’ve been like a personal Cinderella. 

Inside I’m raging, if you took blood from me right now it would be boiling and now I’m sat alone in the flat trying to come to terms with the things I’ve heard this weekend….

 

 

Polished

Sex blog (of sorts)

Back in December 2011, I joined in with the Curiosity Project – a blog swap project where your details and a list of your likes/dislikes are sent to another participating blogger and they send you a shoe box full of stuff they think you’ll like. In return, you do the same for another randomly allocated person.

The project has been on hold for a while, and although it’s due to restart soon, I miss getting exciting mail. So, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I got to thinking…

In March this year, Kristina Lloyd ran an excellent erotica workshop about how to spark up ideas for flash fiction pieces. Her suggestion? Nail polishes have cool names, so why not pick a colour name at random, brainstorm its associations and use it as the basis for a short story?

I keep meaning to give it a go, and then never quite…

View original post 400 more words

On the verge

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I think the title of my post today is the best way to describe my entire day, and a big chunk of the last month.

I have felt on the verge of crying and having a mental breakdown all day and as soon as I’ve started to write it’s slowly seeping out like a nasty wound. I’ve come on here for an online hug, to try and empty my head and generally just to hide away from all the other scary stuff I should be looking at.

In 3 days I get the keys for my flat, and I’m really scared. As much as I am chuffed with myself for saving up and finally getting my independence I feel really alone. I’m so scared of getting it wrong and no body seems that helpful at the moment. I don’t have a great relationship with my Dad and my Mum has never had to do this so she’s not much use, through no fault of her own. The other day I managed to transfer thousands of pounds for my deposit wrong and I actually had to cry in the bank to make them open the safe for me.

I’m really looking forward to living on my own, but paying bills and buying a bath is actually inducing a panic attack… ridiculous, also I think I’ve just put myself in an open relationship this afternoon and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I wish there was gin in the house so I could crawl under the duvet and sleep. Every time I try for an early night things just whizz round my head, and I probably should be revising.

 

 

 

Fat blog

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I’m here to write more for me than you today. sorry reader. I feel like I’m not giving anything on my to do list my full attention, life is like a crazy plate spinning exercise. 

at Weightwatchers this week I gained two lbs.

I am officially the fattest I’ve been in 15 months and it really is only myself to blame. For tea I had four toffee crisps and a bar of dairy milk with daim bar in it…not a normal 50p size bar, the 150gm type ones that humans shouldn’t be able to consume in 5 minutes… last nights bar had added oreo for extra fattness. It wasn’t even really my tea because I already had cheese and biscuits 😦

My binge has left me feeling like an idiot of course. I feel no better and I have not crossed anything off my humongous to do list, in fact I got so mad in my bid to be productive I’ve shoved on hair dye which is another reason for the short and sweet post.

I can accept that treating myself is not going to mean I wake up unable to fit out of the door by the morning, however what I’ve just done was insane. It wasn’t a treat I practically inhaled the stuff. My body deserves better. 

Apologies for the self indulgent post but I need a telling off, and I need some help to get back on track, I think writing it down makes it seem more real. I need to remember how shite this feels, the chocolate is sitting like a massive lead in my stomach, the thought of T sharing the bed or wanting to touch me later actually seems repulsive.I will wake up tomorrow with that awful coating in my mouth, like a food hangover from the sugar. It’s not about losing weight any more I had managed to shift 4 stones before, this additional half a stone is a drop in the ocean, I just need a bit of control.

Must dash before my head turns green.

Thanks for being here 

xxxx

Too much on my plate

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Both literally and figuratively over the last couple of weeks.

Due to my fantastic ability to procrastinate for pretty much all of April I have kind of been a hermit in May revising for an exam like crazy. Staying away from the blog has been hard work, and for the last week I’ve barely had time to read twitter 😦

It’s been a bit depressing at work too. Things are still so busy which I used as an excuse to have cake for lunch two days on the trot.

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For the last week and a bit I’ve also been house and dog sitting for a really lovely friend of mine while she’s off on her jollies. Living in my own space has been fantastic, doing the cooking and cleaning whenever I fancy, however being responsible for a dog by yourself is hard work!

Charlie is an absolutely beautiful girl, but 90 minutes plus walking a day and driving back at lunchtime has been an effort. When I walked her all week I felt guilty for not revising and when I was revising those puppy dog eyes made me feel like I should be walking her!!!

The plus side has been some glorious weather and some lovely views to share with you, I promise I have been thinking of you in my absence, profuse apologies, and thanks to the people that have still been reading!

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I feel a bit like Jay-Z this week, not in the sense I poop diamonds and get to bed Beyonce unfortunately. While I may have 99 problems including grotty roots, insurance, solicitors, ignorant ex’s and best friend envy I can genuinely say that a bitch ain’t one of my issues.

Mr T has been absolutely dreamy all week while I tried to revise. He’s been stopping over while I house sit and as chicken as it sounds when the dog started going nuts at 1am the other night I was chuffed to have him next to me. He’s off on a stag doo this weekend so I have made a mental note to take some kind of weapon to bed, just in case.

On Sunday I went out to walk the dog and got back to T slaving over the stove making a fry up, top man points already. I set the table and went to put some music on only to find he had made me a playlist on Spotify *gushes* Despite having little free time I had to take to twitter to wang on about it because, well it’s awfully romantic isn’t it????

I don’t want to oversell it, it’s not some mushy declaration filled with lovesongs, it’s a fantastic mix, I’m ready for some more musical enlightenment already. I’ve pretty much had it on repeat all week almost know all the words to this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_W_xLWtNa0

I don’t want to read too much into things but I thought it was such a lovely thing to do, I felt really touched by it, it’s the modern day mix tape, right? The man certainly knows how to make me swoon.

He’s made some beautiful food this week, which has really helped me get on with revision, the risotto we had on Monday was genuinely better than one made by an Italian in actually Italy last year, it all seems a bit surreal.

I think I am well and truly as deep into the new relationship phase as possible. The button on my jeans is likely to fly off and hit me square in my smug face every minute. Despite the fact I’ve jogged at 6am with the dog every day up til this morning, sharing 3 tubs of Ben and Jerry’s in 4 days is difficult to fight against!

How is everyone? What have I missed?

Please have me back in your lovely blogging bosom.

XXXX

For the first (T)ime

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Anyone who follows me on Twitter might be expecting this post. I’ve spent a lot of my short life so far having some exceedingly vanilla sex. If sex with Mr T was an ice cream flavour he would probably be something wickedly delightful like rum and raisin or salted caramel complete with sauce, sprinkles and of course a massive flake.

On Sunday afternoon I tweeted two firsts I had experienced that morning with Mr T. One was incredibly good, and the first one got me a little bit scared.

My last couple of posts have been so full of new relationship bullshit, sex, eating and presents scattered with a little romance. I’ve been shouting my mouth off at work and with my friends. If you guys are sick of hearing it I’ve got a long list of people you could start some kind of Facebook mob with to run me out of town. Late on Saturday night when T staggered round to mine it clicked that he is most definitely not on the same loved up fool page as I am.

He waltzed in with his stinky kebab (not a metaphor) and drunken blue eyes half asleep and in a round-about way admitted he was still messaging some one else.

I was gutted.

As soon as he had got this piece of news of his chest he hit my pillow like a sack of shit and was out for the count while I sat up and stewed into the the early hours. I think I’ve really chucked myself in at the deep end here while T tiptoes in the shallows with his armbands on – and possibly a lifejacket just to be safe.

I had about 2 hours sleep, went out to walk the pooch and T could see I was angry! He apologised before I even told him what the issue was, knee jerk reaction!

I love being organised in every other area of my life, writing lists might even be a hobby. When we agreed to be ‘official’ for want of a better word a few weeks ago,maybe we should have been more prescriptive about what that really means. I wouldn’t message someone else, in my mind it’s looking for something else, if it’s not cheated it’s Damon near the closest thing.

I was so angry with myself for being so giddy and getting so carried away. Why on earth did we change things???? If this is the way he wants to be we should of left things as they were where I had no expectations now I think it’s too late to go back.

I was fairly straight with him and he did look gutted. I can’t figure out if he was annoyed he had told me, or genuinely unhappy with his behaviour, but being the paranoid wench I am I said we were probably fucked.
T pulled out the sex card after that as we just laid there in silence. In my head I felt like it was a parting gift and I couldn’t switch my brain off, as nice as it felt I was still gutted this was how things had ended up, as ridiculous as it sounds I felt like I had some how failed at the man game again.

Despite being straddled across a beautiful man my body bubbled with anger, more at me than him! There’s no polite way to say it but as my mind wandered so did our bodies and there was a painful clock bashing incident! Like something out of Bridget Jones, T grabbed hold of his junk and I had one of those cries where you start to shake, and snot that you didn’t know was there suddenly appears. I looked and sounded like Miss Piggy; naked and crying he didn’t really have a choice but to hug me I guess, never experienced that before and I felt so vulnerable.

I contemplated naming this blog, the good the bad and the ugly, but it really didn’t happen in that order unfortunately. Some how T swung it back around, went to man drawer of tricks to cheer up your lady opted for the pussy eating card. I can’t even remember if we talked after my spectacular outburst, but I’m pretty sure at this point I had decided this was our break up sex. No guy wants to leave a woman on a tear-filled failure of a sexual encounter do they? It’s bad press, so before I knew it I was getting warm and wet as his tounge lapped against me and his fingers teased around my cunt…

I need to profess now I am in no way looking to write this as fifty shades, I’ve never even read the thing anyway but erotica is not my forte. I read the incredible stuff by the likes of Sex blog of sorts http://t.co/puZ7zLDS6x and get turned on by the way the woman can write about butter, it’s fantastic. This is just naaaaasty stanky stuff, but hey, it happened!

We fucked like there was no tomorrow for an awfully large portion of Sunday morning, I don’t know if I will ever fail to be amazed by the staying power of Mr T. He started off on top as we got back into our rhythm and I slid my legs over his shoulders to get him in deeper until I came and clung onto him shuddering. Yum.

Mr T is always asking what I want to happen next and this is where I really struggle to be vocal and multi-task, my inner Bridget Jones appears, and I’m dying to shout, just keep up the good work! Not filthy in the slightest 😉 3 orgasms in he was still as hard as a rock and I was intent on taking full advantage, I grabbed him by the cock and started teasing him, playing with him and myself before flipping over for him to take me from behind, and as I braced myself against the wall I came again! We moved to the end of the bed, in a total sex haze. I was sitting on his dick with my back arched being held off the edge of the bed by T, my abs (miniscule) tightened and my thighs gripped against him to stay balanced. I started to come and I couldn’t hold it any longer. In bed I think men are much better multi-taskers than women perhaps? I leaned back, and my hands found the floor. I’m pretty sure it didn’t look spectacular but as I started to slide my hips up and down T took hold of my calves and slid them up to his shoulders. Oh wow. As he stood up slowly the sensation was mind blowing. The combination of the blood rushing to my head combined with the thrill and just how deep he was inside me were an incredible combination, fuck me did I come! When we returned to gravity I was absolutely gushing and extremely pink in the face. I’m pretty sure if T was a couple of inches taller the logistics would never have worked, so thank the Lord he isn’t. I have officially had sex standing on my head and I feel the world should know. We fucked against the wall, then I was like a woman possessed to make him cover me in come. Despite the poor bugger being knackered if this was to be the last time I couldn’t leave him with all the power.

There you have it, the good and the bad, what’s leftover is the ugly feeling of impending doom that we are not on the same page. The fucking was a massive distraction tactic but I can’t help worrying he’s looking for more. Watch this space.

Thanks for reading

ALOT xxxx

IncandescenT

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So Easter was fun, I feel like I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster for the last two weeks. There have been ups and downs, but mostly ups, and the downs were the kind of thing that’s inevitable.

The car broke down last week and I drunkenly managed to lose £40 and my drivers license out in town 😦 With payday still 4 days away I am living pretty much hand to mouth, and a little bit scared of my credit card bill, hence the Saturday night blog post.

Last Sunday was interesting, Lent was over Easter landed officially, although I know there’s some disagreement about the rules what I can say for sure is that I went over 40 days without chocolate. I shocked myself! I had considered stopping up until midnight on the Saturday to break lent as soon as possible, but I found myself managing to restrain until 11ish when I made T some breakfast and I scoffed a dairy milk egg. Pre-pancake day me would never have believed I was capable of it, it may sound dramatic but I have developed a sense of belief that I probably could do most things I put my mind to… I am still ploughing my way through an entire tray of bunnies gifted to me by mother,

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Initially dropping chocolate was hard, I started marking off the days in my diary that I had managed to go without the good stuff. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, and whoever they are must have been onto something. I stopped marking my diary after day 20…

I did not spend all Sunday eating chocolate like I imagined, there was the very important issue of my team against Mr T’s on in the pub and a maccies to attend to.

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That afternoon I received my very first Easter present. And I was not happy about it. In fact as Mr T put it I was incandescent, which was an adjective I had only come across in the brightness sense until then.

incandescent
ɪnkanˈdɛs(ə)nt/
adjective
  1. 1.
    emitting light as a result of being heated.
    “plumes of incandescent liquid rock”
    synonyms: white-hot, intensely hot, red-hotburningfiery, on fire, blazingablaze,aflameMore

  2. 2.
    full of strong emotion; passionate.
    “she felt an incandescent love for life”

However I was most definitely the latter. Mr T bought me a Kindle for Easter. Earlier in the week I had bought him a crappy £1 egg from the supermarket, and he doesn’t even really like chocolate. He gave me a kindle. A KINDLE!!! I was fuming. I never asked for a kindle, there was no hint of a present even being bought. What the hell was he playing at? I think it took a good ten seconds for me to find any words, and then another few minutes before it clicked the normal reaction was meant to be Thank you very much. Not often you can’t get words out of me but I was flabbergasted.

I have never had an Easter present before, I get eggs still at the age of 23 but never presents. I remember in Secondary school my friends getting £20 notes, or new clothes as an Easter gift and feeling a little jealous. When I was about 15 my nan asked if I would rather have money one year. Thinking I was gonna end up with at least a tenner in a card I said yes and was gutted but not really surprised when I ended up with £2.00 and ended up dragging my ass to the shop for my own egg in the end.

Last Sunday I think I discovered something about myself. I’m pretty proud. I didn’t think the kindle wasn’t a lovely idea, and I knew Mr T was a kind and loving person, but the fact I had no gift of equal value to give him made me feel annoyed. I think I was being spoilt for the first time and it did not sit well. We have always gone pretty much dutch and taken it in turns with our shopping and meals out, I’d never expect any different.

I’ve always been financially independent *queue violins from Destiny’s Child* I had my very first job when I was 11 which was probably all kinds of illegal, and since I started earning money I got a little hooked on it. My parents have worked hard all their lives, I’d say I’m from a pretty average home. We didn’t have holidays every year but we never starved either. The work ethic from Mum and Dad has obviously found it’s way to me and I am pleased to say I’ve never hit my overdraft, in fact this month is the closest I’ve come. At the age of 16 I was working a 25 hour week while studying for my GCSE’s and I really can’t remember ever needing a loan from my friends or parents. I am the extremely sensible saving type who has always made sure I have what I want or need.

Receiving that gift with nothing to give back made me a little moody with T for the next few hours… how mean is that? I think the poor bloke felt he couldn’t do anything right.

I have since swallowed my pride, the kindle is actually pretty fab, you can get apps on it and everything! I still feel spoilt and slightly indebted but it was pretty smug at work getting to tell my bitchy manager how I was adorned with such a good Easter gift.

Don’t think I’ve ever got to brag like that before, I know it’s not an attractive quality, but everyone at work concurred he must be a keeper! Yesterday he even bought me a fancy cover for the screen, and I can’t put my finger on what I’ve done to deserve it. Maybe I am as awesome as I keep telling myself!!!

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I’m never going to stop being independent and I’m definitely working on excellent surprise revenge for after payday but I think T made me hold up a bit of a mirror to myself last week, I was a slight bitch who possibly needs to be taken care of occasionally.

And finally, I had to add the following link as it has been in my head for about an hour on a loop (not a bad thing!!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lPQZni7I18

Question, tell me how you feel about this?

Thanks for reading

ALOT

XXXX