So I wrote the below on Tuesday prior to seeing my stress lady, and I’m just posting it now but I wrote it and I wanted to put it out there. Apart from that it’s out of date reading it back after saving it for a few days has made me realise how negative and moany I am, I don’t like it but here you go…
I feel like most of my year so far has been spent making an effort just to be a fully functioning human. I have been trying and having some success to eat, work, exercise, run the home, clean and socialize ‘the right way’while fitting in all my breathing and mindfulness exercises.
Spent so much time making lists and running around like a blue arsed fly I’ve not even had time for a wank this year as it occurred to me today, this must be fixed sharpish, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.
I am attempting to hone myself into the perfect human being by making endless lists on actual paper and in my mind of work jobs, home jobs (split in to sections for cleaning, upkeep and purchases which are further subcatogorised by food and homeware) friend & family seeing jobs, fitness, food prep and I am doing my own head in. I had this miraculous idea if I wrote everything down I might be more likey to do it. Quite frankly I think losing 3.5 lbs and finally getting the bath panel on that’s been moping about the flat since August should be enough for January, I’m done!
And I’m fed up of being dry, I’m as dry as desiccated bloody coconut right now, I think I could fall asleep in a bath of amaretto and coke for the weekend and wake up on Monday morning just to wash the stickiness out of my hair.
Rant over?! When they tell you at school being a grown up isn’t fun they’re kind of right! I’m going to see my lovely stress lady on Thursday which is probably a long overdue trip if I’m honest, she shines a light on my perfectionist, fidgety nature and lifts some of the iron that seems to sit on my shoulders and make me slouch infront of my screen fretting for 10 hours a day. I feel like ‘Saint Vicky’ as I affectionatley like to think of her, has shone a light on how unhappy I perhaps am. Before December I would have said my job stresses me out and it was as simple as that but now I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t the right job for me.
My job makes me rude to people, and my team includes some people who are down right nasty and others who are just a bit stupid. As a creature that enjoys spending time by myself I am not very toleramnt on either of these types of people. If I thought there was a dream career for me out there, something I was burning to do at least I could look into some part time studying, or weigh up my options and decide there’s no money in that field and talk myself out of it but I don’t have any ambitions. I’m a perfectionist who isn’t being perfect in the right job, I still need to find my fit in life then maybe I’d stop taking the stress home and in my brain til 2 am.