I only come on here at times when I am trying to avoid something else like the plague it seems these days. Today that is sorting out some healthy food, doing some revision, and ending a relationship that is turning caustic.
When I felt stressed at Christmas time last year and I went to talk to a lovely lady through work she asked about my home life and I said it was fine, good in fact. The same thing happens when I talk to my friends because I don’t want them to think I am a failure, or perhaps not the strong independent person I like to paint myself as.
So I come on here or on twitter to rant about my boyfriend, and berate him behind his back which is both cowardly and mean. Several times on twitter people have told me I should not be with Mr T, in fact I think the fact I still am has lost me followers, blog readers and probably a lot a respect.
When me & Mr T moved in together I think I felt like it was happy families, we had silly discussions about stuff way into the future like getting married, and when things got tough at work he was always there for me to moan at, which in hindsight probably didn’t do the relationship much good. Living with a boy has been scary, he is way messier and lazy than I ever imagined, to the point where i blame my own OCD behaviour for being angry, but I do think if most people came and looked in the office right now it would be a shit heap by their standards.
He has gone off to see his mum and dad this afternoon and I couldn’t face it. Lying to them, making small talk when all I want to do is cry. Very melodramatically I’m having one of those days where I think I could just go missing, I wish I had the money to hide in a B&B and call in sick from work for a few days, or months. I definitely don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m trapped in a fat body, screaming to be dated like a lady and fucked like a twenty something, but the fear of not having my messy comfort blanket waiting for me when I get home is crippling.
We are both fucked up, and utterly shit at talking like adults without crying (me) or leaving (Him) I have previously chased him down the road at 2am after telling him to fuck off, and he did.
I have been on my own before, I can’t understand why I am so scared to do it again, this stress and depression has left me so vulnerable I feel like a chubby little 14 year old with no friends again which I know isn’t true. He has broken my trust, and the sex and the dating has been stale for months, if neither of us are happy why are we still here?
It’s small beans really and I know that, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job and too many complex carbohydrates in my cupboard. Whatever happens now will pail into insignificance in the long term, I shouldn’t let this consume me like it is, but love will do that to you, or lust for the past perhaps.
Bastard feelings, why can’t we all just be Fembots?